Updated: Jul 13
"Xanax should do the trick". That was what my family doctor said to me when I explained what had been happening to me. Soon after I had my driving episode, I told Keith about the little...big problem I began having. He was not surprised. Although he did not say it in this exact way, he intimated that the life I had been living was a run away train headed for a brick wall...fortunately it de-railed before I actually hit that brick wall. Keith suggested I go get checked out by our family doctor to determine why this was happening.
After hearing my story and knowing my family and my family history, he, concluded that I was experiencing panic attacks with a healthy dose of anxiety. Here is the beautifully cruel thing about panic attacks...when you have had one...you live in absolute fear of having another which heightens your anxiety...genius! Why at 43 would I suddenly start having panic attacks? Good question. At that point I actually didn't care much about the why...I just wanted them gone. So, he wrote me a prescription for Xanax. I eagerly ran to the pharmacy to fill that prescription. This was the answer...a little pill and my troubles would go away. I would be the most diligent pill popper ever! This crap was going to be in my tail lights (pun intended). I took those pills and waited for the magic to happen.
Except that wasn't what happened. I took the pills for a month (the doctor said it would take a while to become fully effective) and then I decided to test them out. I took my husband for a little ride on the Garden State Parkway. I was feeling pretty confident when I got in the car. It was early in the morning on a clear sunny Saturday in early fall. There wouldn't be much traffic because the summer season was over and the day-trippers going down the shore had put their beach chairs away for the season. As Keith and I approached the entrance to the Parkway it started. My stomach started churning and that feeling of dread began to well up from my the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. I forced myself to get on the entrance ramp and immediately regretted it. As I merged onto the Parkway (with no traffic in sight), I began having dysphoria and extreme vertigo. Once again I felt totally out of balance with the car and felt like I could not control or steer it. I began sweating and my heart was racing. As I drove, I verbalized my thoughts to Keith to tell him how completely overwhelmed I was and how I could not continue on. He said I was actually driving just fine...just a tad bit slow at 35 mph on a major highway. He suggested I try to pick up my speed a little (grandma...he wisely did not say it though I knew he thought it). No f***ing way was my response. This is it, this is what you get...I cannot and will not go any faster and anyone who honks their ever-lovin horn at me will meet my full wrath (can you tell the pills were not working). I got off at the next exit (which was less than a mile but felt like an eternity), I pulled over and got in the passenger side. I was exhausted and totally disappointed. What do I do now?
Around that time, our family and friends were invited to a barbecue out in West Jersey at our friend's house Mike and Miyoko. Mike and Miyoko had been dear friends of my parents for over twenty five years. They actually became friends through my older brother. My brother had been a police explorer and Mike, who was a police officer in town, ran the explorer group. My father who was also a police officer in another town became instant friends with Mike. Soon after my mom and Miyoko also formed a very tight connection. When Mike retired from the PD, they moved out to Arizona for a brief period of time but then moved back to the rolling hills of West Jersey (believe it or not, NJ is actually quite bucolic). Although they were now an hour away we still maintained a tight friendship with both of them. So, there we were enjoying burgers, laughing and having a really great time. I was feeling good (had put that pesky problem that plagued me out of my mind for the day) and was talking with Miyoko about nothing of real import when she brought up a book she thought I should read. It was called Lightworker. She wrote down the name of the book and the author. I smiled and took the slip of paper and put it in my pocket. She told me to call her after I read the book. I promised I would not really understanding why this book was so important to bring it up out of the blue.
So, I bought the book and read it, then re-read it with a highlighter and a pen...as if it was a text book and I was going to have an exam on this material. I couldn't believe the things I was reading. This author pretty much summed up my whole life and the struggles I have had in this book. So there are other people out there like me...struggling with panic attacks and anxiety. I am not crazy...just an unawakened lightworker (don't worry you'll learn the definition soon). One of the key points that I took away from the book was that I was an empath and that I was absorbing not only other people's energy but the energy of the environment around me. Empaths are like porous sponges, they absorb the energy of the environment around them. They feel things very deeply. If you don't know you are an empath then you don't know that you need to protect your energy like a precious jewel. Unaware empaths are often surrounded by toxic people who are attracted to the empath for their light and positivity...they want some of it. Inevitably the unaware empath will take on that negative energy and think its their own. Without proper care, the empath can become depressed or overly anxious depending on which way they process the energy.
Example: Have you ever been in a really good mood....the sun is shining...there is a blue bird on your shoulder (ok, only Snow White is that happy but you get the picture) then the phone rings. As you go to answer it, you see the the caller ID and you hesitate to pick it up but its your dear friend so you do so anyway. She proceeds to complain and rant about her life for twenty minutes...you try to calm her down and offer sound advice then you hang up the phone to go back to your day. As you do, you notice your good mood is now gone...poof! Suddenly, the sun is too bright, those birds and their cheery chirping are so annoying, will they ever shut up! Yup, this day sucks!
You may or may not have noticed in the above example that your intuition tried to warn you about picking up that phone...as you hesitated before answering...you knew on a higher level what was coming but you answered the phone anyway. Once you learn about energy you will let that call go to voicemail then call back after you have your energetic protection in place. If any of this resonates with you, I highly recommend doing some research on empaths and lightworkers.
So, I called Miyoko. I was so interested in why she had recommended this book to me. She asked if the book resonated with me and I said that it most certainly did. She said good...she said I want to do reiki on you. I said ok, whatever that is....
Lesson 1 for this week: We are never alone. There is always someone somewhere who can totally relate to whatever experience we are having.
Lesson 2 for this week: The Universe never abandons us. They will position people and/or events to help you on your journey. It is up to you what you do with them (free will).
Til next time...
*some names have been changed to protect the innocent and or disinterested.